Doing the thing...

I wasn't planning on Ego Death today.

But I've seen 3 posts in the last 24 hours that OWN Body Love, that speak about body Shaming, body hate, HIDING, or beating ourselves up for how we look / don't look ---

--- so I guess I'm going to do the thing.

Because this, along with my Fear of you seeing me as "too weird"
for all of the Energy and spiritual Woo, is one of the things that keeps me from showing up fully:

I feel an incredibly weird pressure to look a certain way,
to uphold a certain 'caliber' of my physical appearance (some measurement I don't even know how to define) ---

--- because, if I don't, I'm going to be a disappointment;
I'm going to be less lovable, less respectable;

I'm going to have less to offer;
I'm going to be laughed at;
I'm going to be rejected.

People are going to look at me and think,
"Wow, what happened to her? I used to think she was ____

{insert whatever imaginary 'caliber' it is I think that I've managed to portray successfully before I aged / gained weight / got soft / had a bad hair day / didn't put on makeup / held my face in a weird position and gave chipmunk face / whatever}

--- I guess I was wrong about her..."



I know this is the same voice that is responsible for my fear of public speaking.

How I look.
How I come across.
How I "present."

And how appropriate is it that --- the very first time I give a speech, my first public speaking event sharing MY work, MY heart, MY passion ---

--- not only does everything logistically go wrong, and I have to deliver my talk while being totally flustered,

but I hate, HATE the first and only photo I've seen from the talk.

I think I always look awful when you catch me mid-speaking.
I'm doing a weird neck thing that makes me look rounder.
It's shot from below jaw-line, which is never flattering.
I look nervous.

I've secretly been grateful that the photos and the footage haven't surfaced yet from this event --- I don't want to see it.

I don't want YOU to see it.


But I sure as shit know that this is part of my system of Inner Voices --- many (most?) of which I have shifted through this work --- that is keeping me, at least a little bit, in Hiding.

That's keeping me from stepping REALLY, TRULY into what I know I'm meant to be doing.

This voice is a deep one.

It's from the boys who chose my friends over me --- with my super-thick and awkward hair, gapped teeth and chubby face --- in elementary school.

It's from the boy who teased me about the little bumps on my arm one summer when I was 14, sending me into 'summer hiding' from then on.

It's from the boys (and girls) who suddenly started choosing me when I "got better looking" in high school, when I started modeling, when I started playing the game.

I started playing the game --- but the game has been playing me ever since.

And it's time for me to start unraveling it...

...and start showing up in what I think is a MESS but is actually just ME.




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