Almost Happy


While I had healed a little bit of the parts of me that had 'died' in my marriage,
I was still giving my power away to other people, and having a hard time using my voice and speaking my truth...

I was still being who I thought people "needed me to be" in order to belong, to get approval, to be liked, or to just not be as 'different' as I felt...

I was still not really hearing my intuition ---- except when I'd had enough wine that I was effectively 'out of my own way' and had moments of clarity...

I was still not connected to my body or my passion, or feeling safe really sharing it with someone else --- again, except when I'd had enough wine, and could find my intimacy in a warm buzz... 



Even back in my childhood, I remember the boys I liked --- liking "the other girl." 

I was a good soccer player, but not "great"; I played Half-Back, not brave or aggressive enough to play Forward. 

I was friends with everyone, but never felt part of a tight-knit or consistent group of friends; I never felt like I REALLY belonged... not really...

Later, I was lied to, used, and tossed aside by the guy who just wanted my virginity. 

My first real boyfriend, when I finally trusted boys enough to try again, dumped me right after high school --- when my parents were traveling, and all of my friends had moved away to school, leaving me feeling exceptionally unwanted and "not chosen" yet again.

I had clearly said "no" to the cute boy I met at my best-friend's college, yet I froze and couldn't find my voice when he was starting to force himself onto me --- almost speaking up, almost standing up for myself.

I even got married when I wasn't really sure about it --- it seemed almost right, so we'd figure it out, right? --- 

--- and then stayed for 4 years in a marriage that ended up crushing my Soul, dimming my light, silencing my already-fledgling intuition, and disconnecting me from my body, my emotions, even my loved ones... again, almost choosing myself, but not quite.

I settled and traded myself for 'ALMOST' most of my life.

I hadn't listened to my Soul when she said, "I'm not so sure about marrying him..."
I hadn't listened to my Soul when she said, "You can do better than this guy..."
I hadn't listened to my Soul when she said, "He doesn't care about you --- don't go back to his room..."
I hadn't listened to my Soul when she said, "You are ENOUGH, exactly the way you are --- and it's okay if some people don't get it... They will..."
  But then my Soul said, "You're almost 37, what the fuck are you doing?!" ---
--- and I finally listened. And I finally said Yes.